Politicians…do they cause cancer?

With the 2016 election season heating up in the United States, reports of cancerous growths appearing on rally attendees has increased 500% over the 2012 election season. Many experts in the health and medical fields are baffled by the clear connection they are seeing between those who are attending speeches, debates, and rallies, and the patients coming in complaining of new, cancer-like symptoms.

scientist

Min Chen (credit: Prime Minister’s Science Prizes/Bearcage) used as satire

“It’s amazing what we’re seeing in the lab tests for these people,” said Angela Wong, a member of the Center for Disease Control team assigned to study what they’re now calling, “Invective Syndrome”.

“These people, who some are calling ‘candidates’ but who we’ve taken to calling ‘plague rats’ in the lab, don’t seem to realize that the vitriolic sputum they’re mistaking for campaign talk is actually a dangerous cancer-causing memetic virus.”

Dr. Wong went on to describe the typical symptoms of I.S. sufferers.

“Usually we’re seeing specific changes in those affected. All I.S. patients present with lowered general IQ, impaired emotional responses, and growths of black cells around their mouths and ears.”

Typical I.S. patients become “dumber” by about 20-30 points, dropping some below the threshold for mental impairment, while those already lower on the scale drop down to almost animal levels of basic intelligence. The emotional trauma they experience from Invective Syndrome can present as being quicker to anger or hostility than usual, as well as a general lack of empathy towards other people. Dr. Wong calls this the “sociopath effect” and notes that violence often occurs with those hit hard with this symptom.

When asked about the black cell growth, Dr. Wong simply stated, “oh man, it’s just gross. Like really, really nasty stuff. I wash my hands about 35 times per day.”

The CDC has appointed Wong and her team to identify the Invective Syndrome memetic spread pattern, in an effort to curtail the contagion. So far, Wong’s team has located several of the transmittal agents and they are working on counter measures for each one. “The problem is, these memetic agents all need to be shut down with different methods, or else they just keep on going. To date we’ve only managed to remove one of them from the populace: the BC-strain.”

In an effort to help, we’ve listed the memetic agents known to cause Invective Syndrome below. Remember, being present when these agents are released can cause cancer, stupidity, and sociopathic tendencies. Take precautions.


 

trumpAgent Name: DT-12
Carrier: Donald Trump
Agent Expresses as: “I would just bomb those suckers, and that’s right, I’d blow up the pipes, I’d blow up the refineries, I’d blow up every single inch, there would be nothing left.”


 

Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton speaks at an event hosted by the Center for American Progress (CAP) and the America Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME), Monday, March 23, 2015, in Washington. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

Agent Name: HC-99
Carrier: Hillary Clinton
Agent Expresses as: “You may have seen I recently launched a Snapchat account. I love it. I love it. Those messages disappear all by themselves.”


 

carsonAgent Name: h1n-BC
Carrier: Ben Carson
Agent Expresses as: “I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I absolutely would not agree with that.”


 

huckabeeAgent Name: Huck-2
Carrier: Mike Huckabee
Agent Expresses as: “After this attack in West Africa, Obama’s new domestic terrorism plan probably requires Americans to memorize Koran verses.”


 

jeb bushAgent Name: No-No-3
Carrier: Jeb Bush
Agent Expresses as: “If people are bringing — pregnant women are coming in to have babies simply because they can do it, then there ought to be greater enforcement. We need better enforcement so that you don’t have these, you know, ‘anchor babies,’ as they’re described, coming into the country.”


 

We will report and keep this piece up to date as the CDC and Dr. Wong’s team identify more virulent strains of I.S. causing memetic agents.

At this time, the CDC has officially published the following methods of fighting the known Invective Syndrome agents:

  1. Be a decent person.
  2. Remind yourself that others have thoughts and feelings.
  3. Pursuant to point 2, that person matters even if they do not agree with you.
  4. In all things, don’t be a dick.

Thank you, and good night.


 

Today’s article is satire. Should you take any offense at me poking fun of your favorite political candidate, please develop a sense of humor and then try again! 🙂